Thank God for the beautiful day.

It amazes me

2009-06-06T13:37:00.001-07:00

It amazes me how you're so easily able to move on with your life, like nothing's happened.Being able to smile and just laugh like you're not even bothered, not the least bit.You say you care, but how much do you actually think and remember what has happened? Only when your messaging me? when ur with me? And the rest you seem perfectly fine. I don't think there'll ever come a day when you'll regret. It's like you've completely forgotten about us being best friends, It;s like that didnt mean anything, didnt mean enough to even want to be best friends. Like everything that happened was a mistake, and that if u could back in time, you and i would not be best friends again. Cause im just what, a Horrible and Demanding Jerk? A guy who is obsessed? I wonder how u just got over it so easily. I wish i could do the same. Do u see the guy who really wants to be close again? who loves u with all his heart, and just wants you to be happy. I care so much and yet to you all u want is us being ordinary friends. And nothing more. Is it cause before u had lesser friends? Not so close to the people in church? And now you're popular and all of a sudden the roles have been reversed. You like the attention u get, so theres no need for me anymore. You've got friends in school, so i suddenly dont exist. How can u just be so unaffected, just be as if nothings wrong, be amazingly happy, when deep down im in so much pain, so much thought and so much conflict. Thinking always how to get u back, how we can improve our relationship, but now cause u dont need me, u dont want us to have a better relationship. Is it really cause ur tired of trying? Or just cause u dont see a need for me in ur life anymore? IM just another burden to you i guess? Someone else u need to say sweet nothings to so u can satisfy, someone u need to do the least bit to prove ur a friend, So u can be blameless as a friend, after all to you thats all friends do right? Im nothing more, nothing more then the least bit u need to do. Like a little troublesome broken record u just maintain with the least enthusiasm, and passion just enough to meet ur standards and nothing more, so u can have a good nights sleep without a guilty conscience. After all to you thats what friends do. IT amazes me how much things have changed. From who u were and what u did, to who u are and what ur doing. Its like u used me, and when u dont need me anymore, u throw me away. Just do enough to be just friends, no need for more, after all i've got nothin else to offer. So did u ever love me? I cry as i post this, cause of how hurt im feeling knowing i really mean nothing else then the least bit. The just average. And that u can just forget us being best friends, forget every happy memory and just throw it all away caue u dont need me anymore. Does the past really not mean anything to the present or the future? U chose to throw it all away. I guess at the end of the day, it's my fault again. It amazes me.

When will we be okay?

2009-05-20T23:09:00.000-07:00

I guess enough time has passed. I know we're trying to make things better. And yet it's so hard for you to be comfortable around me. Still it's hard for you to be able to confide in me. Sometimes i wonder if we'll ever be able to be close again, moreso i wonder if that is really what you want. Or is this gonna be hi-bye friendship in which there is no essence whatsoever? I want to be there for you, i don't know if its the same for you. I wish i could look into the future and see how things would be but i can't.

...

2009-05-10T01:29:00.001-07:00

You don't call , you don't message. You made me sufferfor something you said was your fault. You played me around, played my feeelings. And expect me to believe you care? Im just the fool who got cheated.

Turn the time back

2009-05-05T01:18:00.000-07:00

I wish i could just give u a hug, say sorry, i love you, and move on.

so conflicted

2009-04-10T12:09:00.001-07:00

I can neverexplain why i treasure you so much. Even though i've been hurt, and i feel like i have every reason to be justified when im angry with you, i cant move on from you. I keep thinking of you and i and everything we stood for before.And regret and sadness just sweeps through me. Is it really too much to ask to just be like old times, when you and were both happy. How can i be sure that you mean what you say when it is so hard for you to do anything when you're with me in person. I know and i want to believe that you really did try, but its so hard. But i still appreciate it, and i guess i just want both of us to find peace and happiness while we're still in each others lives. I want to surrender to what God has in store for us, and im praying really hard. Im trying my besto look past your weaknesses and i just feel so cheated sometimes when i dont see any physical change. The conversations we have, i thought they'd change things, but it really didn't seem to, which is why i got so angry. Now youprobably feel like you dont want to put in effort anymore. You may think im just an unappreciative jerk . I guess you're right. I did screw up. Im sorry. You mean more to me then the arguement, and i wonder what things will be in the future. We've done a pretty crappy job in a friendship. And i really want God to work in our lives to make this better cause i know he can. I hope you will not give up hope and trust in his abilities. I hope the bitterness and all the memories of the bad things in the past in both our lives will burn. So we can have a fresh start, and look forward to being happy an finding peace in the future. I hope you can let go, and still have a reason to want to be best friends with me. I still love you very much.
-Ken

The feeling of disappointment`

2009-04-08T04:58:00.000-07:00

Ken is giving Thanks, cause every day of life is a blessing. I finally know that all u said on sunday was rubbish. Things arn't gonna change. And yes im dead to you anyways. Nevermind. Sometimes i wonder if caring too much is wrong. Now that im fine, you can go back to your life, and not feel guilty anymore. Even though ur concern only lasted 2 days, thanks. And if u want me to treat u mediocrely cause u cant do any better then that, fine, not because i want to, but cause u want me to. I hope you're happy now.

Genesis.

2009-02-16T07:16:00.000-08:00

I only realized how much she meant to me when she went away.And all i want to do now is start afresh in my life. I can ask God why why why, but things happen for a reason. Maybe someday if God wills it to be we'll be together , maybe not. I want to be remembered for different things, and so this is my new beginning. A new start, A new life. I want to change.

Wow thanks.

2009-01-27T11:06:00.001-08:00

I guess you realized how big of a jerk i am,
I guess you realized how thankful you are for letting me go,
I guess you realized how happy you are for not going deeper,
Yeah, this is really what i need right now.

the pain inside, amplified.

2009-01-14T09:51:00.001-08:00

It's so hard to pretend.
Cause i know i only did what i did cause i loved you.
And even though i took away the worst of it,
It was too late, you had already stopped.

A very 'happy' new year indeed.

2009-01-01T20:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the things we do have a way of coming back to haunt us. As much as i've tried to get rid of some habits, and i would like to say i've had much successs, i still struggle with somethings. Just knowing that people find me a bad influence is kind of sad, but i guess i'd have to agree with them.I find myself so incapable at times.

I think im the most useless person that i know....

Crossroads.

2008-12-28T21:21:00.000-08:00

Every moment of every day i still keep thinking of you.
I'll do anything.
Have a little faith would you?

Uncertainty.

2008-12-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

You know God has a funny way of giving you something, and then taking it back. This time round that something didnt go away, it just went further away from me. Moreso it was something that i had grown to be attached to even in a short time.

It's funny, cause i knew this is always what i wanted for her. And yet at the expense of knowing that im very dispensable, can be quite heartbreaking. It took seconds for her to sway, and then it felt like i didnt even exist no more.

So here i am, just realizing that i had been looking out of my balcony windows into the darkness for the last 4 hours. So heavy hearted in disbelief. I never knew i would have been pushed away like that. And i wasn't ready.

But then what can i do about it? I would like to think that it isn't my fault but so many times i've been proven wrong that i'm just not sure anymore. I'm that bad huh? I guess if someone can benefit out of this, it's worth it. Well what i hoped for to happen happened right?

At what expense?Yes i do feel betrayed but at least i know that from now on that they'll never not feel a sense of belonging anymore. I just cant say the same for myself.

Bring the pain.

2008-10-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

Well, O's is in about 10 days. Im not that worried, which is why i am worried. Many things have changed since a couple of years back. Before it was all about being the best and beating the rest. I guess now i just want to do the best with what i have. The very purpose of our existence is to give glory and worship to God. Im just doing my best with what God's given me, my mind on gloryfing God all the way.

I guess there's been a lot on my mind lately. It's the feeeling of uncertainty. We all have our insecurities, some just more then the rest. And yet sometimes just taking things easy is the best thing to do.

Im so happy im not in charge of my life.

...

2008-10-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

There are times that walk from you like some passing afternoon
Summer warmed the open window of her honeymoon
And she chose a yard to burn but the ground remembers her
Wooden spoons, her children stir her bougainvillea blooms

There are things that drift away like our endless,numbered days
Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made
And she's chosen to believe in the hymns her mother sings
Sunday pulls its children from their piles of fallen leaves

There are sailing ships that pass all our bodies in the grass
Springtime calls her children 'till she let's them go at last
And she's chosen where to be, though she's lost her wedding ring
Somewhere near her misplaced jar of Bougainvillea seeds

There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all
Winter tucks her children in, her fragile china dolls
But my hands remember hers, rolling 'round the shaded ferns
Naked arms, her secrets still like songs
I'd never learned

There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the windows closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know

A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone

Weak beneath.

2008-10-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

Every year
On this very same day
I cry these tears
Waiting to hear your voice
To see your face
But you never appear

This year,
I tried to persevere
I gave up the next day
Like the waves that crash the shore
I broke down

Your so far away
And I'm standing alone here
Wishing I could touch your face
Look at me
Don't walk away
If I were to fly over
Finding you would be a task
I ain't saying it's a hassle

I'm just afraid to face you
Yet I want to
What would I say?
How would I react?
I don't know
The moment then,
Would take my breath away
Those eyes that I long for
That sweet smile of yours
Your perfect sharp nose
That whacky yet charming personality

Till now, nobody can take your place
I forgot how to cry
Till today
I realised that our tears carry our emotion
There are times I should stop trying to be strong
And cry my heart out, though I hate to
Everyone is weak
We are only humans

That's why God exists
Cause with him, we are strong
I'll go on potraying myself
As a strong man, unbreakable
Yet with one weak spot
It makes my heart drop
Till the day we meet again

I'll still be loving you.

Restless

2008-08-31T09:15:00.000-07:00

Oh God, help me find peace and rest in your word Lord. Still my restless soul. Rid my heart of all these built up jealousy, anger and frustration. Humble me to give up position as king of my life. Take control dear God, help me find solace in knowing your always in charge.Please help calm the storm in me.

Theres that fine line.

2008-07-31T06:17:00.001-07:00

So, Today's service was great. A little mishaps here and there, but besides that everything was good. Learnt alot from today's message. It was nice to see dennis back. Although he'll be leaving for thailand in a weeks time for 3 years, im sure he'll always be remembered for all the good lessons hes taught us, together with those great and enjoyable memories.

After that was Lunch Fellowship. Always nice to have lunch with good company having a great time. Oh and while pastor was ministering at another Church, he met one of my teachers, Mrs Jesse eng. Honestly, i have no idea who that is but she claims to know me. And he was telling me that now he has a spy to keep an eye on me . Got to be on my guard these days haha.

We went to the room upstairs to practise for the evangelistic service next weeek.We're singing Who Am i by the Casting Crowns. Its a really nice song. Very meaningful. Then it was just card games. Wasn't for long though, the timeout programme finished pretty earlly. So everyone just started cleaning up.

I know we're not supposed to hate and all, but why do people always have to say things behind the back? You got a question or a comment about me, say it to my face man. And then you have a reply like "Used to it". Like you've been through hell and endured everything in life. Like im getting in your face everyday, using you. Whats there to get used to? What did i ever do to you? Sometimes i wonder if there would ever come a time where someone could cut this nonsense. Im not even angry.Im prolly more hurt then i am upset.

And no matter what, i'll not be filled with hatred. That may really be the difference between you and me.

Situations,

2008-07-31T06:17:00.000-07:00

So one thing i've learnt, or should i say, im learning , about life is that whenever you try and predict whats going to happen, God steps in and puts you in your place. One thing you can never be sure of , is being sure of whats going to happen next. I guess life has been hectic, late and long days draining energy out of me. I've been trying to get myself to study, but the distractions really suck. and i've wasted so much time, hopefully i'll be able to get back on track and do well. I really need to learn commitment and discipline to do my work and focus on the task at hand.

On to something else, well i've always known that nothing except God can last forever. However sometimes it seems so painful to see things fall apart. It really is that important to be mindful of the bigger picture and know our reasons/purposes. Trying to catch up with some people who i've lost contact with in the past few weeks. For some reason, things just dont seeem the same. Reason? Well i dont know why. I guess whats most important is knowing what is of utmost priority now and always. Knowing why we were even created, the purpose of our very existence.

I guess from here i'll get back to resting for a bit and then returning to studying. Trying not to really let things get into my head. Paranoia, leave my soul for Good!FOCUS.

Well finally, theres you. The ideal name for you is a "sucker for any Hot guy". Whats the use of only being nice when you need something?

Okay, After venting, i feeel much better. Well not exactly, but i shall tell myself that.Till next time, keep giving off heat.

A concept of Sin?

2008-07-09T06:04:00.000-07:00

So the other day, at Anniversary i was just listening to Wei chiang and Uncle Rodney talk about their knowledge and inquiry work which concerns a Christian concept of Sin. Something that i've always struggled with is that the reason for Fearing God. What is Fear? What type of Fear?Why Fear God?

So as i was thinking, i realize that Fearing God is important. God is no ordinary peanut brain human, he is an almighty God, Sovereign and Holy. He is capable of anything, and he is powerful.Yet we have received God's grace, as undeserving as we are. We love, cause God has loved us 1st. Fear- In reverence and In Awe. I may be exaggerating when i say that sometimes we sin maybe because there is very little fear of God. This is something i struggle with. Not trying to sound like a tough guy, but there are not many things in life that i have feared. I cant even think of any right now. And i probably wont change overnight. Effort And Faith. What i say may not be true, it may be too vague, and please feeel free to correct.

So yeah, As life goes on and things happen. Sometimes we lose ourselves upon change. The beauty of God's grace is that we can always go back to a Loving father. I shall try my darnest to not take this for Granted. Till next time, Keep giving off heat.

Majesty,

2008-06-20T11:29:00.002-07:00

It was a great first day of school. I really missed the laughs during the holidays and it was great to be back and to see all my friends.As usual we were reminded about our upcoming O level examinations.All in all i thought it was a great day. I thank God for giving me the peace of mind during lessons and the discipline to pay attention during classes. As i was reading the bible and read through psalms, it struck me that many times we forget who God is and what God can do. As i was told weeks before that it is easy to know, and difficult to show. A simple illustration,

There was a small village, in which there hadn't been any rain for months.The people of that village went to a prophet of God and asked what they needed to do in order for the rain to come. And the prophet of God said, " Believe, and come back tomorrow. It will definitely rain."The people did as they were told and came back the following day. Sure enough, it rained, and the villagers bustled with joy although many of them had disbelief in their hearts before.The prophet called the crowd to silence.He told the people that it rained not because of them, but because of the one man in the crowd who had brought an umbrella along with him.

The man who brought an umbrella had believed, and he showed it. He was ready for the change to take place.Many of us want to change, yet how many of us allow Christ to work in our lives?Know, believe, show.Seeing isn't believing, believe and then you will see.Till next time, keep giving off heat.

The day before the start of hell.

2008-06-20T11:29:00.001-07:00

Well so today's a sunday, and a great sunday it was. Teddy came back to visit and it was fun having him around. His hairstyle is so funky. I guess its threatening to know that the new term starts tomorrow and i have not even touched my homework, but i have studied and have improved in my academics. I guess from tomorrow onwards it's gonna be study study study all the way. I find it hard to be hardworking and consistent in work but i guess with prayer and belief, it is possible. Parents and teachers have a point when they say that we only get to do O levels once, and after getting back our results, knowing that we could have done better if we had really given it our all , would suck. So yeah, this is my only shot and i've decided to give it my all starting tomorrow!(Yes, today is still my slack day.) However, at the end of the day, how well we do for our examinations dont really decide how greater or lesser someone is. We've all been blessed in our own ways. I guess its important to work hard, use the abilities that God has given us, and glorify and honor God by doing our best.

I guess if we just focus on our relationship with him, and we show it in our lives, things will just take care of themselves.Effort is also needed on our part. Find rest in knowing who God is.Till the next update, keep giving off heat my friends .

CHANGE

2008-06-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

Well i decided to change my blogskin.The whole emo thing ended like i dunno, a decade ago? I've decided that this will signify a new beginning to my life. I AM NOW A HAPPY BOY/MAN. Got caught up too much in that whole anger thing. FROM NOW ONWARDS NO MORE MOOOOOD SWINGS. I spent some time thinking about stuff and now im glad i've set my priorities straight. I suck at trying to be emo lol. Emo is just not my thing. Neither is Mr serious-im-so-tensed-im-constipated look. Shakespeare once said "To thine ownself by true". And that is what i shall do! Im a relaxed guy =) . I love animals! I dont like to worry about stuff. Im always smiling. Yeah i kinda misss myself. (With exception to the EGO part ). Still trying to get rid of that. So take care peepos! Till next time, keeep giving off heat.Ciaoz.

Irreplacable.

2008-06-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

If i was anything more then your best friend, your heart will ache,
If i was just your best friend, you'll replace me easily.

At the end of the day,

2008-05-27T08:04:00.001-07:00

You're the only love i had,
Which i did something about,
At the end of the day,
It still didnt matter,
Cause you tried to put me with someone else,
Cause you didn't want me there,
You wanted me gone,
And so i went,
At the end of the day,
It made all the difference in the world.

life still goes on.....

Pen

2008-05-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

I needed to pen my thoughts down, or my head's gonna blow. Honestly there are times where i feel answers would really help. I need to know if it's just me, i need to know if all of this is just one-sided.

I'll be willing to wait a million years. I just need to know.

A little Good love.

2008-05-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

What would it take to love,
to hold someone's hands,
to tell them you love them ?
Is it too much to ask?

Welcome.

2008-05-05T06:36:00.000-07:00

Never getting a straight answer,
Never getting the things i want,
Never leading the life i wanted,
Never being the way i want it to be,
Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?

WELCOME TO MY LIFE BITCH.

The person

2008-04-13T08:23:00.001-07:00

The person whom you wanna seee 1st in the morning,
The person whose voice you wanna hear before you go to bed,
The person whom you think of the most,
The person that you worry about the most and worries about you the most.
The person who is worth loving.

Grace.

2008-04-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

Today's meeting was fruitful. Thanks to all leaders that were there. Going back to something that Chiang said, i guess sometimes we lose focus on why resonates was started. To Seek God and have a serious time of bible study. Along the way people seem to have fallen overboard but thats the beauty of God's grace. Theres no greater unity then a group of Christians seeking God's kingdom. Took some time to reflect on what resonates means to me. To thank God for all that hes made possible. To worship in spirit and in truth. Jesus Christ, My Lord and Saviour.

Light.

2008-03-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

Talk about one fucking defining moment ; The Devil Returns. Watch out bitches.

Forfeit the pain,
Before somebody else takes you outta the game,
Puts your name to shame,
Cover up your face,
You can't run the race,
The pace is too fast,
Ya just WONT LAST.

In the end, it doesn't even matter.

Chubby.

2008-03-16T09:38:00.003-07:00

Hey. To dear chubby, If you're feeeling sad, cheer up ok. Its not your fault at all. Indefinitely there will be periods where you feeel tired, drained and you just wanna get away from it all. Its true that sometimes we dont have many choices in life, but its not about what we have, but what we can do with what we have. Going to school and homework and tests and O levels all seems like going through hell.Well if you're going through hell, keep going , cause i hope to see you on the other side =). Ultimately theres nothing to worry about. Commit your life into God's hands and stay close to Christ. Believe, dont fret.Everything will be fine. Wish to seee you happy always =)
-Stubby.

Need a break

2008-03-16T09:38:00.002-07:00

Summer has come and past,
The innocent will never last.

When you look me in the eyes,

2008-03-16T09:38:00.000-07:00

Everything's alright, when you're right here by my side.

I catch a glimpse of heaven,

I've found my paradise.

For you,

2008-03-10T07:36:00.003-07:00

This post is dedicated to my dearest chubbby bestie. For all the times that life will push us down, remember to get back up.All the times where you feeel tired or drained, look forward to a better tomorrow.All the times you feeel worried, loook forward to talking to God. All the times you feeel sad, talk to me. =)

Im sorry,

2008-03-10T07:36:00.002-07:00

Why do you care kanna? you're leaving soon anyway...

STOP&STARE

2008-03-10T07:36:00.001-07:00

the feeeling of uncertainty. Its always the calm before the storm that's petrifying.And no, this is NOT an emo post. Having you in my reach , but just not able to grab.

blurry.

2008-03-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE MY BESTIE. OK RANDOM. anyways. To this guy who thinks hes all righteous. You wanna see our group grow but you wanna keep it the way it is? Accept others for their character. Since you hate gossip so much why do you still do it huh?

A Wreck.

2008-03-05T06:14:00.000-08:00

Shame makes us do many things. More importantly, shames makes us NOT do many things. Ashamed of ourselves, or ashamed of someone else?Its time to give it all up and just walk away,

Rock n roll'

2008-03-03T04:06:00.001-08:00

So, The debate motion has been released. Kinda vague and one sided. This week is pretty much tests, tuition and tough love. Sometimes i worry that im not worried enough. There are times where i cant even bring myself to study. Hopefully things get better and i'll be able to concentrate. even as i've been around for a long time, it doesnt feel like i've gotten any closer. How to change people's perception? well that i dont know. i guess its just trying and praying. Going with the flow of things. hahaha has the ego gone down? tough question and i cant really answer lol. Ohwell, no more ranting for today.

(P.S . Remember to count as you chew xD)

Breathe this shit.

2008-03-02T00:56:00.000-08:00

You ain't nothing but a whiney kid,
who cries like a wimp cause nobody rides with him,
Liquid diet ? Bitch we official pirates
Please eat ,sleep and breathe this shit bitch.

Life beyond words.

2008-03-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

Life is beyond words. Beyond actions. Beyond thoughts and concepts. Things that sometimes do not make sense one bit. Sometimes being indian can be frustrating. Somehow it seems as if im dirtier than the rest just cause im a little tanner. As much as people may deny the statement above, people have to dig deep and search their own souls if its really what they believe. There are many things in the world that a single human alone wouldnt be able to explain. Being indian even the sense of touch is constrained. The battle of supremacy has long been debated between the elite and the alpha males. In today's society , the battle lies between the hunters, and the hunted. The minority groups obviously have very little say in what is to be done. The ones that choose to believe that supremacy belongs in the hands of he who is among many and that he who stands alone as a different person does not deserve to be among the "alpha males" of today's society.Disheartening to see, yet found in nearly every aspect of our community. Racial harmony is just skin deep. At the same time, do these people ask themselves in what way they are being loving? In love, per se, would the hunted have the guts to love the hunter? Would it be wrong to then love what seems so far away from what boundaries is allocated by the elite? Is one such free man that difficult to be accepted as one that can love without any objections?Yet the fear that comes with Love is too much for any man to handle. The fear of simply being not good enough. Because that is society's labell. All this one free man can do, is to wait.

What the hell was that for?

2008-02-27T07:13:00.000-08:00

As far i as i know, i thought i kept my promises as much as i could.What the hell was that for?Ugh.

Anything for you.

2008-02-26T07:09:00.000-08:00

I'll spend one more day in hell if it means one less tear in your eye.I guess today has been an emotional day for many of those who are close to me. I just hope that you guys get better and cheer up soon. And to my dearest Nerd, take care of yourself ok.Remember to have faith and believe 100%.There'll be pockets of time where we feeel drained and exhausted but keeep going. By this time next year we'll be in pastamania eating spaghetti and talking about Nick Jonas (: All the best.xoxo.

(P.S. Always willing to listen, and always willing to give a free hug LOL)

Deception

2008-02-15T06:57:00.001-08:00

Guess its the last time im going the distance.

Assumptions,

2008-02-13T07:08:00.000-08:00

Well this just goes to show that u can never really know someone no matter how good friends you are,Oh petty me.Maybe i should try PRETENDING to be emo rather than be myself.Seems to work alot for the posers. All along i've been a petty dude.Let me now cement that fact.

"Fooled all along,".
-Kan

Another poem,

2008-02-11T04:41:00.000-08:00

Author: Ed Walter

If I were to fall in love,
It would have to be with you
Your eyes, your smile,
The way you laugh,
The things you say and do.
Take me to the places,
My heart never knew.
So, if I were to fall in love,
It would have to be with you.

If I were to give my heart,
It would have to be to you,
For you bring things into my life,
So beautiful and new.
Love, so soft and warm beside me,
That I know it’s true,
If I were to give my heart,
It would have to be to you.

I was looking for an answer.
I was looking for a way.
To keep the magic that you bring,
To each and every day.
To live our lives together,
As only lovers do.
It started with a feeling,
And every day it grew,
So, when I knew I was in love,
It had to be with you.

Another poem, Im so in love with poems.

Dots.

2008-02-11T04:34:00.000-08:00

Author: Mike Styrcula

Every time you call I'm filled with joy
For it's one more time I get to hear your sweet voice.
I love to hear your laugh.
I swear I can see it through the phone.
It's what brightens my life
From dusk ti'l dawn and morning ti'l night.

As night starts to set
Butterflies crawl in my stomach and never seem to go away.
Then comes this awkward silence that so many like to break.
But this kind is different.
It's the kind of silence that you don't mind having around
The kind that lets you know
the person you love is just on the other side
Saying without words, I love you.

Beautiful poem, meaningful.

think twice,

2008-02-10T05:54:00.001-08:00

Then again, im not that important to you.

whatever is , it will be.

2008-02-10T05:47:00.000-08:00

There's nothing i love more than to wake up beside you to wake from a dream and realise it came true to see the smile on your face and the twinkle in your eyeid lay like this forever until the day i die you are my strength, my weakness, your a part of me there's no where else in the world that id rather be you've brought sun to my life, you make me feel complete you take my breath away and make my heartbeat your always on my mind when we are apart and i think of what we've done and how you won my heart i can never wait to see you again i long for that time watching the clock until i see you in sight we share all our secrets and we've become so close you even laugh at my silly jokes all my life ive wished to meet someone like you i must of done something good in my life because it finally came true...

Life

2008-01-06T07:34:00.000-08:00

At this point of time , i can say life hasnt been very good. After listening to Aunty caroline's sharing today. I realize its true , i can look forward to the year of 2008 no matter what, cause in Christ life holds no worries. O Lord, you have searched us, and you know us , more then we know ourselves. You have nothing but the best for us Lord, cause your will is above all else. Had a great time today , during service and after that where i enjoyed studying with people. They let me in on somethings they felt. I guess i always knew that they were right. What good would it actually do? I dont imagine it to be possible. Do i or dont i? I dont know. I guess only the Lord knows these things. Just pray for the best to happen and i guess i can live with it. Just pray that i can draw strength from God as i continue on with school life , to apply myself better.
(P.S : Hey jess, remember...100% believing okay?Take care babe.)

"All i can do is to have faith and believe."
- The Manic

Life.

2008-01-03T07:19:00.000-08:00

As i was just listening to some worship songs , i came across a couple of verses. Just thought i should share,

Your will above else,
My purpose remains,
The Art of losing myself,
In bringing you praise,
Everlasting,
Your light will shine when all else fades,
Neverending,
Your Glory goes beyond all fame.

How true these verses are. I thank God for all he has made possible in my life. Knowing that he will never forsake us and has only the best in stored for us is simply comforting. I think of how much of my life and my soul , and how i want to completely give myself to him , to Love God everyone around us from the inside out. Knowing God will be there forever , and that i can always turn to him , and he will guide me through and love me always is Amazing. Instead of always enjoying the destination , i want to be able to enjoy my journey with Christ , in Christ and for Christ. Even when everything seems to fall apart , God will always be there to pick us up. So take Joy in knowing that our savior lives , and keep going forward in our spiritual walk with God. Thank you Lord , you are Amazing.

New year's day!

2007-12-31T12:18:00.000-08:00

Yeah. The last day of 2007 was indeed very awesome!. Enjoyed myself very much with the company of some of the nicest people i know. Jesselyn's haircut is awesome! She loooks stunning! Couldnt take my eyes off her. As the new year begins somethings i have to do are lose weight , study , study more and study even more. Yet after all the celebrations here i am slugging my guts out doing binomial theorem at 4.20am in the morning. This sucks. I guess i still have to do it. Just trusting God and having faith. Hopefully God leads me through this. God bless everyone and have a happy new year everybody. Thank you God for all you have done and made possible for us. Praising you always.

Oblivion

2007-12-29T21:02:00.000-08:00

Looking from another point of view , realize how much i have been oblivious to. Just when you think you know someone , turns out you were wrong. You can never know what someone is really saying about you. You can never know their true opinion of you either. But then again , Its not all that bad. I guess feeeling distant and ignorant is what comes natural. However acknowledging the problems at hand are what really matters. If there is something wrong then i think its time for a change. Do not mistake me, i change not for the people , but for God. Cause if i am wrong then its time for my to make it right. People's opinions are the last thing on my mind right now. They're really great people , everyone in their own unique and loving way. Despite that , God is still number one. So i've got to make things right cause i know im wrong. Whether people's opinion change , well lets just say thats up to God. I know what i have to do. So im gonna do it. Its okay , im used to these kinda thing. I can handle it. Just hope God will guide me through the right decisions.

In need

2007-12-27T10:36:00.000-08:00

Been a real interesting day for me. Diagnostic reports are out. Everything's good. Why am i blogging at 2.40 am in the morning? I feel a need to pen down my thoughts. Currently im not mad , angry , or pissed. Im disappointed. Disappointed at the people i regard as the nicest people i know. I recall something about us being a youth group. Then again , that just doesnt go as far as its suppose to right?? I've always felt that if u need to say something to me , about me , or some situation where u conveniently "buay tahan" me , you should say it to my face. Not behind my back. I seriusly thought i was changing , maturing , but obviusly they dont think so. And even then they didnt tell me , they chose to speak behind my back. They still think i havent changed , im still P**** , and that my atitude sucks. Okay i can live with that , i have many flaws, that i dont deny. When i asked for an example the only answer i received was an "i dunno" or a convenient " i forgot". The reasoning for their actions was a simple " We Bs you for your own good". Right. Im not hurt at the things you guys said , just at why you never told me. Did it ever occur to you that i was trying? and that by telling me you would be helping me? Now i know people's true opinion. They " buay tahan" me. Next time just tell me. Even now i wont say i blame them. I guess what i thought was change , wasnt what they thought as change , and that there is alot more for me to improve on and to change more and mature in Christ. I need to get back to work , get back to changing. I am sorry if i have been proud , arrogant or intolerable. My sincerest Apologies. From now onwards i wil do my very best in Christ to mature and change my bad habits. I bear no grudges. Despite the abundance of backstabbing , i realize it was my fault. Sorry , and thanks guys.

Life's been hectic.

2007-12-08T08:57:00.000-08:00

Well yes. Life has been hectic. Im going to start vigorous studying soon. Same old same old. Either im dying or im not.Spending most of my time just rotting away and slacking. I guess i dont have much of a choice. Lost much of my strength. So the drama i tell you. Shes putting up at my place. Im quite shocked to have her around. In the same room. Then again i pity the situation shes in , i realize i am partially to blame for how things turned out. So not complaining, no matter how unethical it is i dont really care. She can stay here as long as she likes. Really sympathize. She went all out for me, now its my turn. Its going to be difficult adjusting , but not impossible.Next to that life's been just the same , miserable yet painful but somehow beautiful in its own aqquired way. Always appreciate life for everything in it. The irony. And at times where im down , i think of you , your always smiling face , and the dread disappears.Always. Keep smiling :):)

"Your lips say that you love , your eyes say that you dont."
-Ken =)=)

Trying to Forget.

2007-12-05T07:37:00.000-08:00

I dont know whats worse , blood cancer, or anemic blood disorder. Its starting to wear down my body. Really starting to feel the effects. Life's been great you know. I get to sleep in , relax , chat.At the same time theres still so many things that burden me. What the heck, regardless of everything, its a beautiful day. I've got nothing bad to say about life. Life and everything in it is worth cherishing. Friends, Family, Loved ones. Loving, Respecting and Treasuring everyone seems to be of utmost importance to me. Dont know how long i can continue to do so.Been trying real hard to forget something. I guess Love is beautiful , at the same time it can hurt the most. The irony. Nice guys finish last. But hey, the smell of the flowers, colors of a rainbow and chirping of the birds are just enough to keep me content. Smiling alot recently. I guess thats a good thing. Still love you loads. Always will. Caught the golden compass with Wen sheng. Quite okay. As someone said to me earlier ,"a sun set doesnt mean the end of the day, it gives a chance for a sun rise, a new day.". Doubt she'll read this. But it helped alot , was really encouraging. Thanks babe (:

"I Bleed it out digging deeper just to throw it away"
-Ken (=

A new beginning.

2007-12-04T09:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple. The Irony of life is knowing that death comes at the end of the tunnel. Personally , for me , knowing that death comes far earlier then anyone else is not that simple to accept. The days are numbered. Life's not been easy having so many family members ill. Stressing is what life has been. The depression of a hating kin is far more unbearable then anything. I always blamed life for being unfair. Then i realize if i wanted fair,i chose the wrong species of life. Everyones made different. I might not be good at many things , but i got the longest "burden" fuse as far as i know. Struggling with the daily work, sometimes i feel like i do so much more then what would be expected from a normal 15 year old. If theres one thing i've realized, is that this world goes only as far as ur skin , appearance and looks. Probably a pinch of atitude but nothing else really matters. Not the good you've done or the character of your heart. Thats how materealistic and skin-conscious people have become. Its not like i expected things to turn out differently. With burdens knocking at the door, the things that keep me going are as simple as the people who stop to say "hi , hello, or RAHH". Wonder what i would do without them. Theres really no point sulking. Life might be miserable but making the best out of every situation is what life's about.To keep going with a smile knowing that im dying more everyday is my goal. I feel it, im getting weaker. But hey , at the end of the day life does not suck. Its a beautiful day , a beautiful sunrise , a beautiful sunset. Theres more to life then a girl , but theres nothing more to life then Love.To love everyone with the deepest of affection.Beautiful.Treasuring every minute of every moment has never seemed more important.Love , the only thing that matters. Cheers. Keep smiling. (:

"And the shadow of the day , will embrace the world in grey."
-Ken (:

Hi

2007-11-25T02:52:00.001-08:00